It's Official

One of my all-time favorite slams "douchebag" is officially overused. It has been so watered down as to now mean absolutely nothing, except as a punchline. And thus I am placing a moratorium on the word "douchebag" and initiating a search for a new term. One that has all the bite and damnation that "douchebag" used to have before it became the top-ranking member of the pop-culture lexicon. Please feel free to send any new words that you would like entered for consideration, but please do not include terms like "douche nozzle" which are really just slight tweaks of the existing word.

For example, one of my official submissions for consideration is the unappealing (and Yiddish-sounding) "shmaef." A word my friends and I coined in college, whose time may have come. Get creative with it!

Oh and on a side note, it doesn't matter if MTV is now trying to parody its own audience it's still a crap channel with a misnomer for a name.

Superbugs in our food

Today's friendly reminder to know what's in your food (and go see "Food, Inc.") is brought to you by the superbug MRSA. According to this article MRSA is an antibiotic resistant form of Staph that is highly dangerous, and apparently very present in our food supply. Not only that but no one currently checks for it when inspecting the meat we buy. 

Jon Minus Kate Plus a Fatty Blunt

Here are some pictures courtesy of The Superficial* of Jon Gosselin's super classy new girlfriend. Let this be a lesson to people out there. Women: When you are controlling bitches and your husband never tells you off (because he disguises his cowardice and fear of confrontation as being laid back), this is where your marriage is headed. Guys: When you don't communicate, and you never matured, and you just bottle things up and let them build, you end up leaving your family to go rooting through the trash.

*Pictures allegedly taken from her Facebook profile. Chick's obviously with Jon to try and get famous, but clearly she's not too bright. 

Beef Recall Due to E. coli

Today's friendly reminder to go see the documentary "Food, Inc." and start learning what it really is you're eating is brought to you by the E.S. Miller Packing Co., who has issued a recall on 219 pounds of ground beef products due to concerns it could be contaminated with E. coli 0157:H7. The beef had been distributed in north central and north eastern Illinois.

MTF!!!!

What is MTF? Well, my dear readers it is Movie Trailer Friday, an e-mail I've been sending around to friends of mine for some time now. The decision has been made by corporate, and based on a suggestion from a friend, to move the MTF from the e-mail landscape to the Blog world. So enjoy, and feel free to leave a comment!

The Informant!
It's official. After the Ocean's movies and numerous self-parodying sketches I can safely say that Matt Damon is one hell of a comedic actor. And I think he'll shine here in Steven Soderbergh's comedy about a guy who wants to do the right thing, he's just not very bright. Soderbergh has assembled a great cast around Damon too, inclduing Scott Quantum-Leap-Into-Your-Pants Bakula, Joel Soupy Sales McHale, Melanie Underrated Comic Actress Lynskey, Patton Fat-and-Ocassionally-Funny Oswalt, and Tony "Buster Bluth" Hale.


Couples Retreat
Holy Casting Agent's Dream, Batman! This is one of those comedies where the casting is so good that it's too good. Like with a cast this great you worry that karma must destine this movie a turd. This bit hopeful comedy heaven includes Vince Vaughn, Jon Favreau, the terribly underrated Faizon Love, Jason Bateman, Kristin Davis, Malin Akerman ("The Heartbreak Kid," "Watchmen"), Kristen Bell, and seems to have a great cameo from the little Asian dude from "The Hangover" and MadTV. Hirarious.


The Stepfather
Here's a refresher course for Hollywood's take on families: it should be man and woman (unless it's a comedy), to be happy you should live in the suburbs, and you can't ever trust a new addition to your family or neighborhood (Disturbia, The 'Burbs), be it orphan, dog, or stepfather. Note to Hollywood: fear mongering doesn't keep families together...or straight for that matter. That being said here's The Stepfather, a thrilling yarn about...oh who am I kidding, it's a crappy-looking remake of a crappy film. This one stars Dylan Walsh in the role originated by Terry O'Quinn, and it also seems to star the exact same house used in Disturbia and Transformers. I guess the one thing this film has going for it is the complete absence of Shia LeBouf.


Five Minutes of Heaven
The latest when it suddenly seems to be a glut of films about Northern Ireland. This one stars Liam Neeson and James Nesbitt as two men living with the memories of the violence of Northern Ireland in the 80's, and how they cope with it. Looks intense.


Carriers
What may actually be a decent, if formulaic, horror. It's your run-of-the-mill situation: a horrible disease is wiping out the planet and we join a group of people trying to avoid the disease and stay alive. But what's more dangerous? The disease, or them? *dun duN DUN*! Stars Chris Pine, Piper Perabo and Christopher Meloni.


Inglorious Basterds
For your viewing pleasure I present to you the slightly more explanatory international trailer, with a little less Brad Pitt and a little more Mike Myers. Apparently The Love Guru played well in France.


The Answer Man
High brow, independent film meets formulaic romantic comedy. The result? Tenuous, at best. This comedic offering about a reclusive author finding love stars Jeff Daniels, Lauren "My Face Never Moves When I Talk" Graham, Lou Taylor Pucci, and Olivia "Juno's friend" Thirlby.


Evangelion 1.0
Japanese anime that has everything you want: good animation, bad English-language voice overs, religious overtones and the familiar Japanese theme of living on the brink of apocalypse. Hmm, wonder how in the world that theme came to be the culture's primary wrestling opponent? That's right, you can thank America for all the awesome things Japan has done since 1945. But will you want to thank us for this?

Seen It Yet?

Our diet is what provides our body with the ammunition it needs to fight off illness and disease. So what happens when our diet is the problem?

Go see Food, Inc.!

This has been your daily, friendly reminder.

The Wisdom at 30

Now that your dear old RumbleTronner has achieved the ripe old age of 30 I can tell you there are certain things I have learned. Little morsels of wisdom, if you will. Previously I dispensed advice freely and usually from the rear of my arse, but I'm 30 now and this is totally different, I assure you. Here now are 30 things I've learned, or at least think I've learned.

1. The reason why we're all overweight is sugar, salt, and fat—three things that occur rarely in nature, are found in abundance in processed food.

2. If it rains, don't get upset. Get outside and play.

3. Everything is a matter of perspective.

4. A good mechanic does not blame their tools.

5. Love completely, unconditionally, and know that you are deserving of the same.

6. There are three things that have the power to universally unite people, if only for a moment: sports, music, and tragedy.

7. "There are two theories to arguing with a woman, neither works." –Anon.

8. If you think your vote or voice does not matter consider that every human event that has ever changed the world was first the thought of one individual. Individuals change the world, and are the only thing that ever has.

9. The head and the heart do not live in opposition, they just have different paths to the same goal.

10. Everyone gets shit on sometimes, brush it off.

11. "Much unhappiness has come into this world because of things left unsaid." –Fyodor Dostoevsky

12. Everyone falls, stand up.

13. If you never fail you never learn.

14. Faith is belief without proof. Science is proof without belief.

15. To all kids: you only get one childhood, enjoy it. To all parents: They only get one childhood, don't screw it up.

16. Anything worth having is worth fighting for.

17. The easiest thing to do is nothing.

18. Cherish the wind, it carries the hopes and dreams of millions.

19. Treat others with respect, especially family. And respect doesn't mean agreement.

20. There is magic in this world, and science alone will never truly comprehend it.

21. Stand up for yourself because no one else can stand for you.

22. "The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes." –Winston Churchill

23. No one can tell you what's right for you, you have to decide for yourself.

24. Find your happiness—your true happiness—then grab it and hang on for dear life.

25. The rarer the treat, the sweeter it is.

26. Trust is an act of faith.

27. Love IS all you need.

28. The head of a 6-foot tall person standing at the equator will travel 12 feet farther in a day than their body. But unless you're at the equator, there's no reason to ever get ahead of yourself.

29. There's more to the world than you can imagine.

30. It is what it is.

Interesting Tidbit

25 minutes and 4 seconds before 1 PM today a neat little event will occur. The time will be 12:34:56 or 1-2-3-4-5-6 and the date is July 8, 2009 or 7-8-9. 

That means at 12:34:56 today it will, for one second, be 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9.

Cool, huh?

Now get back to work.

How to Spot a Douchebag #43

A douchebag is a person who gives tattoos a bad name and seems to mock their importance and permanence. They flood the world with tattoos thus lessening the meaning of inked skin for all, what a philosopher might refer to as the decay of meaning.

Exhibit A, the Frat Boy Douchebag Tattoo:

Exhibits B–E, the Basketball Player Douchebag Tattoo Epidemic:

Tattoo Guidelines:

1) Keep 'em few

2) Choose wisely

3) Keep 'em meaningful and purposeful

X-Men: The Soap Opera

OK, so this relationship map confirms a few things. One, comic books really are melodramatic soap operas with explosions. And two, whomever created this has lots of free time and is either unemployed or EXTREMELY single. Hit the link above for the high-res version, or just check out the low-res version below.

Odds and Ends But Mostly Odd, Part 1

If you live in Colorado you'd better not have a beef with beef, or say squat about squash. And you'd better not have a gripe with grapes. (That was my last one, I promise). Why? The reason is a state law concerning agriculture (§ 35-31-101). The law, in full, reads thusly:

"It is unlawful for any person, firm, partnership, association, or corporation or any servant, agent, employee, or officer thereof to destroy or cause to be destroyed, or to permit to decay or to become unfit for use or consumption, or to take, send, or cause to be transported out of this state so to be destroyed or permitted to decay, or knowingly to make any materially false statement, for the purpose of maintaining prices or establishing higher prices for the same, or for the purpose of limiting or diminishing the quantity thereof available for market, or for the purpose of procuring, or aiding in procuring, or establishing, or maintaining a monopoly in such articles or products, or for the purpose of in any manner restraining trade, any fruits, vegetables, grain, meats, or other articles or products ordinarily grown, raised, produced, or used in any manner or to any extent as food for human beings or for domestic animals." 

I know that it's hard to make sense of since lawyers tend to write like 6 year olds talk, so let me break down the pertinent parts for you. Ready? OK. "It is unlawful (to)...knowingly...make any materially false statement...for the purpose...of restraining trade (of) any fruits, vegetables, grains, meats, or other articles or products....used in any manner or to any extent as food for human beings or for domestic animals."

In other words it is a felony to disparage any food product made for human consumption, or for consumption by a domestic animal, like a dog or a cat. Upon first reading you may say, "Well, wait a moment Mr. RumbleTron, it says you can't make a materially false statement. What's wrong with that?" Good question, dear reader. The answer is that they never define false thereby leaving open the prosecutory floodgates.

The short of this is that if you live in Colorado you cannot say anything bad about any food you or a pet may eat. Apparently, you can't even legally say that you don't like a certain kind of food no matter the reason, even if it's just a personal preference.

This seems to clearly be unconstitutional, and a violation of first amendment rights. It is a law that seems to protect the interest of the corporation, rather than the interest and welfare of the individual—the citizen, the tax payer and the voter.

This law has been on the books since 1994, and though 18 states have laws against disparaging food Colorado is the only one to make it a felony!

In an op-ed that appeared in The Denver Post in 1999, Thomas B. Kelly and Ronald Collins noted that "it is sometimes said, by way of a 'don't worry' defense, that no prosecutor with any gray matter would go after a person" for saying they don't like a food. But, as they say, "if the law is never to be enforced, then why have it?"

Of course people should not able to make false claims about a good or a product to the disparagement of an individual or company. That is libel, and there should be protections against that. But this law does not seem to provide that protection. It seems rather to threaten that if you say anything negative about a food, even if just a personal preference, then you may be a criminal.

Now, I am no lawyer and no expert on law, but there are those who are that say this discourages conversation about food which would be a violation of First Amendment rights. The discussion of what's in our food is vital to us, to our own health, and an inalienable right. This law doesn't explicitly say you can't have a discussion about food, but it does leave that discussion open to wide-ranging interpretation. To try and take that away...isn't that a violation of our Constitution? And wouldn't this law then be a violation to a free market economy?

Colorado citizens need to e-mail, write, and call their state legislators to get this law repealed, or at the least rewritten. It's hard to believe it made it on to the books in the first place, let alone has been there for 15 years.

Energy Drink Recall

Heads up, if you drink your energy you may want to read this. Two energy drinks, Hardcore Energize Bullet drinks and New Whey liquid products, are being recalled by the FDA because of utility knife blades found inside them in an apparent case of tampering.

Get the story here.

The Start of Something

Short short fiction exercise #3

She said she didn't know where to begin. I told her to begin with emotion, that's where all things start, and we'd take it from there.

Lose Weight the Easy Way!

What's the easy way? Is it the no-carb diet, the all-carb diet? Is it the 30-30, the Zone, the Atkins, the South Beach? Nope.

The easy way is to stop drinking sweetened beverages! You can lose 25 pounds in one year simply be replacing one (1) 20-oz. soda per day with a no-calorie beverage. Preferably water.

Interested? Go see Food, Inc. and check out the film's Web site for more great tips.

Food, Inc.

"Food, Inc." is a documentary that may be hard for you to find. I don't have numbers for last week yet, but for the week of June 28th (movie weeks go Friday to Thursday) it was only playing on 75 screens. For purposes of comparison, when "The Hangover" opened it was playing on 3,269 screens. Don't get me wrong "The Hangover" is a hilarious movie, and I enjoyed it, but "Food, Inc." is an important movie. Possibly the most important film to come along in a very long time.

While "Food, Inc." may be a hard movie for you to find do yourself a favor and go see it. You need to see it for yourself, for your loved ones and for your freedoms. I'll have more to say about the contents of this movie later, for now just trust me when I say you need to see it.

Also, for those of my readers in Denver it is playing at Chez Artiste.

One More Chance

The new video from Bloc Party. I still don't dig their new direction, I prefer their old stuff. But it's still pretty decent music.

Bloc Party - One More Chance
 Source: MTV UK